I Read Too Much

I've taken many weeks off from writing, yes even in my private journals.  It isn't that I haven't had a desire to, quite the opposite really; it is more that I have been struggling with coming to terms with the thoughts in my head.  I won't lie, this battle, the one where I am struggling to be the confident, independent divorce is colliding with the career woman, single mom of three, who longs for a forever someone, is wearing me out.  People divorce is so very hard.  I have read countless articles, books, blogs, not to mention listened to radio programs, podcasts and other divorces' advice, but I am still not healed.   Listen to me, no matter what you may want to believe and some may convince you to believe, there is no cookie-cutter way to get through divorce.  Most especially if you were the one left hanging.  I've fought God, myself, and others in this process.  I've had good days and horrible days.  I...

I began this post on June 25th. A year in the rearview... Most folks do a year in review January first, because you know, it signifies the beginning of a new year, a new beginning, new opportunities.  Well, as you know, I'm not "most folks!" I decided to use today as my year in review.  Not because I think I am above or different or anything of the sort, but because quite clearly it has been one year.  One year that my divorce has been final - that is as of yesterday. Also, yesterday being my birthday. You know there were so many things that I learnt last year. So many lessons, so many things I found.  Things I found out about myself, things I wished I wouldn't have found out about myself. Things I found out about others, things that you really find what others are made of - not just yourself.  This past year has just been one of many ups and many downs. Time and again people equate life to a roller coaster; I think it's a gre...

I had an interesting conversation with an old friend today.  You see, I'm still caught on this whole "I am divorced" thing.  I have in a few earlier posts shown great strength and the proof that there is life after divorce, but for the past couple of months I have really struggled.  I mean REALLY struggled. I want to, more than anything, put forth my best face.  I want to prove that I don't need anyone and that I am a strong, independent woman who needs no man.  Truth of it is, I really don't need a man, but I sure do miss being married.  I miss the companionship.  I miss knowing that I am someone that another chose to spend their life side-by-side with. I hate dating.  It stinks.  It isn't so much the being me part that stinks, it is revealing that part of me to another.  It's kind of like shopping.  Who am I kidding it is a lot like shopping.  I have an insane love of running shoes.  (Perhaps almost as crazy ...

My middle little, the one who is extremely sassy, drama-prone, loud to the nth degree, impressionable, and full of genuine love wanted to go through scrapbooks tonight.  This should have sent alarm bells off in my head the minute I walked back in from my walk/run tonight.  (Yes, I tried to run even with my injury, yes, yes, yes!) I tried every tactic I could think of to deter this.  I made up one condition after another.  It wasn't so much that I didn't want to spend the time with her; I just didn't want to go through those blasted books.  Those books that I poured untold hours, obscene amounts of money, and unmeasurable amounts of love into creating.  I USED to scrapbook.  USED to . You know, back when preserving family memories meant something because forever wasn't supposed to end. We started off somewhere in the middle of her toddler years.  I was never good at chronological order.  I made that a goal with the littlest little, but ...

I have thought about this post so many times in the last 10 months. YES, 10 months! People, I am literally 2 months from the one year mark where the ex-Mr walked away. I know, I know, I am TOTALLY the last person to dole out marriage advice. I mean, hell, I've been divorced twice now -we'll leave it at they both moved on, but I am the woman that gets left for a different model. Ok, so I'm not being fair to this blog post or myself here. I have a point. I hope you stick around long enough to read it. Truth, marriage is not easy. It is actually the hardest thing you will EVER do in life. I understand that many people do NOT want to hear marriage advice from a twice-divorced, single woman. But, it's my blog and you ARE here. Now, now, I am not trying to be a smarty-pants, it's just, well, sometimes you have to walk a mile in those shoes to realize the full extent of the blisters they create. So here are a few things I'd like to share. Again, I am not claiming t...

There's a lot to be said for gaining closure on something.  I know most people believe life can finally be lived when this occurs.  I'm not here to say if they are right or wrong, but one thing I do know, is that closure doesn't always come at the time you think it should.  Wednesday was the last mandated bit the county judges required of the ex-Mr. and I and the day all the last slips of paper were signed and ink dried.  Wednesday.  Three days ago.  Eight whole months after this journey began.  I should have closure now, right?  I should be elated, footloose and fancy-free.  Actually, perhaps, just a little, but not because of this, not because of divorce.  There, I said it.  I uttered the word I haven't allowed myself to use - boldly and outwardly with conviction and force.  I'm divorced.  My family dynamic has officially been changed. I now join the ranks of many other women out there who will carry-on and grow babies a...