I Read Too Much

I am currently in a Women's Bible Study hosted at my church's main campus. I love that I am geographically centered between our satellite campus (the one I regularly attend) and the main campus, but I digress. The Bible study is called, "The Quest" by Beth Moore. If you've never done one of her studies before, I encourage you to look into one. They are truly unique in their approach and delivery but you will, without a doubt, be filled with the truth of God's word. Now, back to this study! If you've followed my blog for any amount of time, you know my passion is teaching. It is the one thing, hands-down, I long to do with/in my life.  For those who are newer to this blog I'll spare you the deep dive (there are years worth of posts) - I have wanted to teach since elementary school. To save you some math that is three decades ago. While professionally I am not quite there, I don't doubt the doors are being fashioned and God will open them and allow...

I have a love-hate relationship with social media.  First, I love it simply because I can keep up on many things, most importantly what is going on in the life of my family and friends. Hate, well, because it does nothing more than exacerbate the green feeling I get when I see those highlight reels. Let me explain. How many times do you see people post about the lost job? The broken-down 15-year-old car? The leaking roof?  The kid who does nothing but sass back (yes, even though you are a church-going family)? The list goes on and on.  Those types of real-life sharings are few and far between. In fact, I am guilty of it myself. Like, who cares about my real-life anyway?  How many times do you see people post about little Johnny's first place checkers tournament win, or little Sue's handmade basket - which she just happened to do while underwater in less than five minutes thank you, or Jim-bob's promotion to supervisor first-class special super duper awesome line ...

I worry. I worry so much I tend to get lost in my head and lose inordinate amounts of time. In fact, I'd be remiss if I didn't say worry incapacitates me on many levels. This past weekend, Sunday and Monday to be more exact, had me in a flurry of worry. Before I continue, yes, I do know that the Lord is an ever-present sign in times of trouble, that He carries my burdens, that He cares about all the little itty-bitty details of my life and all of that which concerns me. I also know He never promised me life without struggle. These things, I know. In the deepest parts of me, I know. But, then. It isn't that He isn't who He says He is.  No, it isn't that at all. It is more that I have a problem with taking my eye off the storm, the issue at hand. I didn't sleep last night. I didn't sleep much the night before. In fact, in my desire to push out all of that "stuff" clouding my brain, I read two books. I barely functioned outside of reading. I didn...

I've purposely not blogged this month for several reasons. (Yesterday's post was actually written a month ago; I had simply forgotten to click "publish".)  In years past I have spent days leading up to this date in an anxiety/depression fog. I've lamented over June in many posts and have, in no uncertain terms, coined it a horrible month - perhaps for the only reason, it contains today's date. There are times in a person's life when they experience certain rights of passage. We can look back on those times - turning double digits, becoming a teenager, getting to drive, graduating high school, graduating college, making it on your own, getting married, starting a family, turning thirty (without a ton of gray), and like me, today, turning forty (with a ton of gray!). I admit I pushed this into the recesses of my mind. I didn't want to think about it. I wanted to ignore its inevitability, but alas, this too came to pass. Over the course of the past se...

I'm not a water person. I don't long for beaches and ocean views for as far as the eye can see. I don't plan extravagant tropical vacations and I most certainly don't envy those who do.  Yet, I live in an area surrounded by water.  Lakes.  We are surrounded by lakes. LOTS of them and great big ones too - ahem...as in The Great Lakes . I can literally travel 20 minutes in any direction and be at a lake, river, or stream.  I am also not a fan of boats. They scare me.  It's not that they are inherently bad, but more because their sole purpose is to put me smack dab in the middle of said body of water and well, NO THANK YOU!!! Despite my general dislike for the water, I do appreciate the beauty of it. (I know, I often wonder about myself, too!) In fact, I don't mind looking at pictures of beautiful ocean/beach landscapes, hiking trails along a lake or river, and going to see certain bodies of water - like, say, waterfalls.  In fact, some of my favorite pictur...

I woke up early today, earlier than normal. The Mr. hadn't even come in to give me a good-bye kiss yet (he leaves before 5 am). Yes, that early.  My brain has been completely stuck in a whirlwind. So many thoughts and ideas to get onto this virtual paper. I tried going back to sleep, but couldn't.  I tried dulling them away with time on the Internet, but was unsuccessful.  So here I am, instead of getting ready for work myself, writing to you - this vast unknown of readers. Below is a highly condensed version of the last twenty years of my life.  Highly. Condensed. I got my first house, a tin can really, in the fall of 1996. It was a small, but quaint trailer in a local trailer park. I shared it with my high school sweetheart and I was going to get married, have a couple kids, and spend my life in perfect happiness. I love looking back on my naivete. It wasn't that things couldn't have progressed like my romance novels said they could, but I wanted more.  So,...

I want to be upfront here - I hate waiting. I have never been good at it.  Well, not entirely true.  I don't mind waiting at the doctor's office, in line, in traffic, or on the phone.  Probably because I have my phone with a million and one books downloaded but besides that, I don't wait well. So, what has the Lord done for me lately?  Why, bless His heart! He's given me opportunity after opportunity after opportunity (because just one wasn't enough) to learn how to wait. Truth be told, I'm an ugly waiter-er; it's sort of along the lines of ugly crying (we all know how that looks). But instead of streams of tears and booger-snotting everywhere, ugly waiting has things like short tempers, frazzled nerves, and a general dislike for life.  In other words, it is just as messy.  Instead of leaving a mess on someone's shoulder you tend to leave a mess, in general.  Granted, it's not intentional - at least in my case - but messy none-the-less. You see, ...

One of the devotionals I read recently talked about the most effective tool in the enemy's toolbox.  This tool is one common to everyone and one that debilitates, to some degree, all who pick it up or even happen upon in.  I hate to admit the number of times, I too, have fallen to the pull of this tool.  To be honest, I've been holding it firmly in my hands with a white-knuckled grip lately.  This tool and I have gotten to know each other.  There are some days where I can't see how life could function any other way.  Then there are days where the freedom of a victory causes me to set the tool down and walk in the blessed assurance that all is right and good in my life. Discouragement is a mighty tool of the enemy.  People I am so discouraged right now.  It feels like one step forward and two steps back with things. In fact, I have begun to question whether having goals and dreams and desires is even worthwhile.  Most especially when I am tr...

There comes a time in life where you expect to have finally arrived.  What that arrival looks like for you is wholly dependent upon the thing(s) that drive you.  Me, I wanted to have a career I cared about and a feeling of self-worth.  Before you click off and chose something else to read, hear me out on this.  I have long maintained my favorite book of the Bible is Ecclesiastes; it still is.  I love that book for a myriad of reasons, but most of all because the author got it.  He just did.  Solomon was a great guy.  He had more wisdom than anyone else in all of history and yet still had issues.  I love the story of how he became the wisest person to ever be.  When he came into power, so-to-speak, the Lord asked him to name whatever it was that he wanted.  He could have the cattle on 1000 hills, he could be stronger than any man alive, he could, well, be anyone and anything.  Instead, he, in all his humbleness, simply asked for...

This morning while I was out on my run I got to talking with the Lord.  Let me start there. Anyone who has read this blog for any length of time knows how much I love to run, for those who are new to this, it's kind of another thing I do.  Any how, since my injury...self-medicating...stubbornness...final relenting to go to doctors...and surgery later...phew that is a mouthful, I'm back at it.  Slowly, of course.  Ever so painstakingly slow.  You may be wondering how any of this has to do with my dog.  No, she is not a runner.  LOL. Anyhow, during that time of talk, I started thinking of Miss Clarabelle.  Look at her face.  Just look!  Isn't she beyond precious?  She is the most loving, loyal, fluffy, funny, energetic, and adorable dog in all the world.  (Yes, this is tinted with a slight hue of bias.) During this talk, it was brought to light the similarities between pet ownership/relationship and that of a person's walk ...

I am currently reading in Romans; I just finished with chapter 7.  The Bible I use was a gift to me from my Mr. when we were dating - he gave it to me for my birthday. I haven't had it for too many years, but long enough that I have started to stumble upon verses I've highlighted and words I've jotted in the margins.  I do that, you know.  I write in the margins.  It is the #1 reason I cannot share books with others - not that I don't like to share, but that I don't want my interaction with the words to be seen by all.  I digress. This morning as I was reading on the wages of sin and death - it sounds so harsh when put like that, don't you think - I started thinking on what the writer was saying.  Verse 14 begins this tug of war on what a person wants to do and what they don't want to do - the struggle between what is leading the cause and the direction they want to take.  If you are a slave to one, you are mastered by it... In case you've never ...

Good morning lovelies. I seem to be in a rare frame of mind these days and while I have never withheld my raw emotion, my deep words, my truest thoughts from you,  I wonder if this has any effect?  Are these for naught?  Does it make a difference?  Do I make a difference?  In the past 24 hours I have thoroughly questioned my existence.  I simply cannot find peace. This is a thing that has plagued me time and again over the years - finding my place, my reason, my purpose.  I seriously feel like a rather large bag of bones that is doing nothing more than taking up space from someone who deserves it more than I do. Now, there are some of you who, if you have read this post to this point, are shaking your head and thinking I need to just get over this and move on; that I am feeling sorry for myself, that a grown woman should have put away these pathetic nuances years ago - like in her teens. I won't deny you your thoughts and I won't justify me for havin...

This post is a few days late.  I'd like to give you a pile of grand reasons, like traveling to a fantastic place, reading a book I just couldn't put down, training for another marathon, you know, all of those things that take a lot of time and would naturally keep me from doing some of the little things I should be doing... Yet the truth of it is - life.  Yep, life happened.  Work-work...housework...sick Mr...lounging...me getting sick...so, basically, life.  During this time I have caught up on a few of the daily devotionals I started, one of which was almost 6 months ago!  I love the Bible App on my phone, it gives me the opportunity to find a plethora of wonderful devotionals, which I am better at finding than completing most days.  I've successfully finished a couple of them in the last two days...being sick has its benefits.  I am also on the last chapter of "Crash the Chatterbox" by Steven Furtick. FINALLY!  I started this book months ago, l...

Let's talk abrasives, shall we?  I'm just going to put this out here - I'm your quintessential DIY crafter.  Yes, I am that woman who gets a novel idea for some grand project, then spends hours scouring Pinterest to find concepts - to you know, kick start the planning process and get the list of essentials.  I go at these projects with all the gusto of Martha Stewert on a case of Monster.  My Mr. likes to tinker in the garage with all of his fancy wood cutting things while I manage the process.  (Hey, it's my blog we can pretend this is the process!)  However, one of the things that I actually do love to do, is the sanding.  I'm not a pro, but I get excited knowing it is the last step before painting or staining and sealing. I have several grits of paper for the initial scrub down all the way to the fine detail.  Sandpaper is an amazing thing you all.  I mean, seriously! You know that mind riddle from years back, "if nothing sticks to Teflo...

I want to be completely honest with you.  I struggle with who I am.  I struggle with what I am supposed to do and what I am supposed to be.  There are days when the answers seem so incredibly clear and days when I struggle to recite the ABCs.  I hate putting my self out there like this, but something about today warrants the transparency.  My greatest and biggest fear is that I won't be good enough.  I am so epically afraid to fail that it consumes me.  In fact it drives me to ends that I cannot even believe I find myself.  This desire not to fail brings me to fighting for justice in regards to myself and my children, even when there isn't a fight there. People, I loathe this.  I abhor the fact that others judge me and my parenting and my way of raising a family simply because it is not the same way that they would do it. I hate that because of this I lose relationships due to lashing out and protecting my own. I do that.  I will fight...

What do you do when you want to write, but you know the words are all going to be the vomit your brain has produced all day?  I want to get the words out.  I want to get these things out of my head.  I want to be free from them. And yet, even now as I am typing I do not recall each one. I know that they have weighed on me today and that because of it I am completely and utterly drained today.  I have no energy.  I am void of feeling - I am numb.  We had an amazing lesson today in Sunday School (Small Group if you will) and a terrific message during the service.  Man, I seriously love our church.  I seldom wonder if I tell anyone enough on how much I need them.  How much I need the peace and comfort of the people I call my church family.  The Sunday School lesson was on New Year's Resolutions and the Message was on Stewardship (Embracing Responsibility).  And since then I have been in a funk. You see, I don't make New Y...

Previously, as in just the last post, I told you about my insane love for Christian books that turn God's truths into practical application.  I think I may have also told you that I tend to read 3 to 4 of these types of books simultaneously.  I can't help it.  Perhaps it is the fear of actually finishing the book or it's the fact that I get caught up in a certain writer's prose that  I need the distraction of another's for the words to really sink in; and by distraction I simply  mean thought process.  I have so much that I want to write about.  Yet much of what I want to share I cannot - for fear.  Not fear that you random people will backlash, but fear that those I know will take my words and twist them so incoherently that the point will be lost in their interpretation of my thought.  Yes, this does weigh on me. I want to be candid. I want to throw out the words, the feelings, and the struggles I am having.  I want t...

I'm going to use this literary reference for tonight's blog post.  I want to introduce you to two different cities.  One is a place well traveled and familiar, the other is a place that is new and full of potential.  I need to let you know that while I know Charles Dickens penned A Tale of Two Cities I have never read the book, I do not even know the basics of what it is about.  Therefore, the parallels if any, are merely coincidental and have no merit on the story I am about to tell. She wondered one night down streets so familiar she didn't feel the danger that was lurking in the shadows.  She had become accustomed to the way the bricks jutted here and there along the path, as time and nature have a way of moving things about.  However, there where the streets met, was a danger she had never encountered, a threat she never thought would enter her safe haven.  You see she had found this city quite by happenstance so long ago...

I wrote a post well over a year ago titled, " Between the Holding on & the Letting Go ". In this post I found myself in nearly the same circumstance as I am in now.  Now, it does not involve a man with similar life circumstances, but none-the-less it does involve a man.  A man, who promised me the world, or rather to always be in mine.  A man who showed me the engagement rings he was looking at, because marrying me is what he wanted most.  Then it all changed, as life is apt to do.  He began listening to what others felt.  They felt he was making a mistake, and me well, I was always praying he'd stick to his word. I fought the inevitable every step of the way, pushing harder and harder to regain what we lost from those early months.  Many, many months went by were the fight resulted in nothing more than a relationship tattered at the seams and a woman left with another broken heart.  Just as with the ex-Mr.  I gave a...

I've had a busy day.  Run the Littles here and there, flat tire, work from home, spend time with friends, run the Littles here and there again, fix dinner, answer emails - busy.  While waiting for my oldest Little's choir performance to begin I goofed around on my phone, but even that couldn't give my wandering mind rest.  So I silenced my phone and placed it in my purse and pulled out my Bible.  Yes, I carry it everywhere with me.  Yes, I have a phone app, but there is just something altogether more special about turning the pages, feeling the leather binding, holding God's truths in hand.  And I read.  Right where I left off.  Sometimes I think God knows where we are and not just in life, but in all things.  2 Peter 1:5-9: "For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and t...