The Struggle Within
I've taken many weeks off from writing, yes even in my private journals. It isn't that I haven't had a desire to, quite the opposite really; it is more that I have been struggling with coming to terms with the thoughts in my head. I won't lie, this battle, the one where I am struggling to be the confident, independent divorce is colliding with the career woman, single mom of three, who longs for a forever someone, is wearing me out. People divorce is so very hard. I have read countless articles, books, blogs, not to mention listened to radio programs, podcasts and other divorces' advice, but I am still not healed. Listen to me, no matter what you may want to believe and some may convince you to believe, there is no cookie-cutter way to get through divorce. Most especially if you were the one left hanging.
I've fought God, myself, and others in this process. I've had good days and horrible days. I've had days where I thought I could conquer the world and days were I swear I'd pull the trigger on myself if I thought I could muster up the energy to load a handgun. It's true. Divorce will rock you to the core. It will take everything you thought you knew about yourself and throw it in your face - in a not so gentle way. In the wake of divorce you are going to have to find who you are on your own. There is not a single sole on this planet who is strong enough to answer this question for you. But it's ok, I'll understand if you are trying, I did. That is one of the problems with being in a relationship for so many years, you lose your identity as you work to nurture those who are in your care, or at least if you are me you do.
People I have TRIED. I have been alone-alone and I have been together-alone. I have sought my completeness in friends, family, and even those I gave my love. Each time I have come up empty, more incomplete actually. I have not found what I was looking for. Sure, in some point of time I thought, rather felt, healed, but the truth of it is I wasn't and I know this because to this day I am still not. I know this because of the battle within. This battle in my head on who I am. Of who God wants me to be. Of what I thought and think my deepest desires are. And then of what I think God will let my deepest desires to be. I have this supreme fear that what he lets me have and what I want will never align. (Do not read this as I want a mansion and a million dollars. I am not a materialistic person.)
I think I fight Him the most, I also run to Him the most. I am sure, no, I know for a fact He wants me to turn to Him. And I do, but honestly only after I have attempted to do it all myself. That's me. The girl who has had to do it all herself for so long that she learned the hard way never to count on another person for a single thing. Oh, don't misunderstand, I've wanted to, and in my own way I've given so much of myself - emotionally, physically, and financially - in the hopes it'd be reciprocated with the same fervency, but it never is. IT. NEVER. IS! It seems I find myself always back to the same place. I find the same results. Always. It is my life cycle. And when I find myself there I run to Him. I never ask Him to direct me in the midst of it all. He does though, when I struggle, kind of like I am right now. He tells me that I know what to do, that I know the right things and the answers to all my questions if I would just have the courage and strength to make them known. Then I struggle with myself and the situation and continue down the same path.
I'm miserable. Each day I want to hate the ex-Mr. even more, but can't pull myself to do it. Instead I replay in my head all the things that I could have done differently, all the ways I could have been the woman he needed me to be during all those years in order to keep him here, but I wasn't. Then in the next thought process I think, no, it wasn't me. I can find my peace, I can find me, I can do this adult grown-up thing all by myself no questions asked, but truly all I end up doing is laying in a heap at the feet of Jesus pleading for the heartache and pain to go away. Begging for him to fill the void and answer my deepest desires. And He answers me by waiting. Waiting!
This struggle I am in, this struggle within, the right vs. the wrong, the me vs. God, the calendar vs. eternity, it isn't going to let up. It isn't going to go away. No, in it all the only answer I have is to Let it go. To give up. To just not DO any thing...
I've fought God, myself, and others in this process. I've had good days and horrible days. I've had days where I thought I could conquer the world and days were I swear I'd pull the trigger on myself if I thought I could muster up the energy to load a handgun. It's true. Divorce will rock you to the core. It will take everything you thought you knew about yourself and throw it in your face - in a not so gentle way. In the wake of divorce you are going to have to find who you are on your own. There is not a single sole on this planet who is strong enough to answer this question for you. But it's ok, I'll understand if you are trying, I did. That is one of the problems with being in a relationship for so many years, you lose your identity as you work to nurture those who are in your care, or at least if you are me you do.
People I have TRIED. I have been alone-alone and I have been together-alone. I have sought my completeness in friends, family, and even those I gave my love. Each time I have come up empty, more incomplete actually. I have not found what I was looking for. Sure, in some point of time I thought, rather felt, healed, but the truth of it is I wasn't and I know this because to this day I am still not. I know this because of the battle within. This battle in my head on who I am. Of who God wants me to be. Of what I thought and think my deepest desires are. And then of what I think God will let my deepest desires to be. I have this supreme fear that what he lets me have and what I want will never align. (Do not read this as I want a mansion and a million dollars. I am not a materialistic person.)
I think I fight Him the most, I also run to Him the most. I am sure, no, I know for a fact He wants me to turn to Him. And I do, but honestly only after I have attempted to do it all myself. That's me. The girl who has had to do it all herself for so long that she learned the hard way never to count on another person for a single thing. Oh, don't misunderstand, I've wanted to, and in my own way I've given so much of myself - emotionally, physically, and financially - in the hopes it'd be reciprocated with the same fervency, but it never is. IT. NEVER. IS! It seems I find myself always back to the same place. I find the same results. Always. It is my life cycle. And when I find myself there I run to Him. I never ask Him to direct me in the midst of it all. He does though, when I struggle, kind of like I am right now. He tells me that I know what to do, that I know the right things and the answers to all my questions if I would just have the courage and strength to make them known. Then I struggle with myself and the situation and continue down the same path.
I'm miserable. Each day I want to hate the ex-Mr. even more, but can't pull myself to do it. Instead I replay in my head all the things that I could have done differently, all the ways I could have been the woman he needed me to be during all those years in order to keep him here, but I wasn't. Then in the next thought process I think, no, it wasn't me. I can find my peace, I can find me, I can do this adult grown-up thing all by myself no questions asked, but truly all I end up doing is laying in a heap at the feet of Jesus pleading for the heartache and pain to go away. Begging for him to fill the void and answer my deepest desires. And He answers me by waiting. Waiting!
This struggle I am in, this struggle within, the right vs. the wrong, the me vs. God, the calendar vs. eternity, it isn't going to let up. It isn't going to go away. No, in it all the only answer I have is to Let it go. To give up. To just not DO any thing...
People don't breeze through divorce, and I completely understand if, until now, your divorce is still rocking you from where you stand. It's not easy to stay optimistic, although you can look at it from a different perspective from time to time, when you can. For example, see it as an opportunity to find yourself, or to find a part of you that you've stopped looking for a long time ago. I understand the fact that you can't hate your ex husband, even though you want to. You are probably not capable of it, and that is good. That's okay. It just means that you've acquired inner peace, and believe me, that is never a bad thing. All the best! :)
ReplyDeleteJean Walsh @ Romanowski Law Offices