I Read Too Much

 This word came to mind a few weeks ago, and try as I might to find something a little more...casual, I could not. Without fail, this word came back time and again through conversation, in reading, and during moments of reflection. Perhaps it was the Lord's way of telling me what I need to focus on and how to make my goals and his will come together. Alignment. By itself, this word is really rather dull; even the dictionary definition lacks excitement.    1. an arrangement in a straight line or in a correct or appropriate relative position(s)    2. a position of agreement or alliance Alignment. Then it hit me. Reflection often has that impact (pun intended)! Think with me for a moment. Have you ever had a horrible backache? One that felt like every single one of your vertebrae was walking helter-skelter on a slippery tight rope? Yet, was clenching every fiber of its construct into a tight ball to ensure it would not fall? Painful, right? Or what about when you m...

 I cannot believe where this journey called life has taken me. Sure, I have left a few of you out of the travel plans...ok...pretty much over two years worth of blogging, but who is counting?! For the brevity's sake I will provide the highlights: 8/2019 - accepted into a doctoral program 10/2019 - started a new job 11/2029 - elected Secretary of our County's women's club 12/2019 - became foster parents 2/2020 - Covid restrictions 5/2020 - lost my job due to Covid 6/2020 - oldest child graduated high school 8/2020 - started subbing in local school districts 5/2021 - lost my adjunct professor position due to Covid (enrollment #s) 7/2021 - adopted our foster daughter 8/2021 - offered and accepted a job as a teacher at a local school 11/2021 - elected President of our County's women's club 12/2021 - completed all of the course work for the doctoral program 12/27/2021 - Today :) You are now caught up. First, I need to share that everything over the past couple of years h...

 I have written tens of thousands of words over this past year and a half. Those words have brought me to tears - tears filled with anger, frustration, fear, joy, and sadness. Some words I have put on paper for others to read, and some I will keep for myself. Those are my words. I read an article yesterday, or maybe it was the day before, that shared a famous author's outlook on the importance of writing and the success that comes from it. In a nutshell, he said - just do it. I wonder if Nike has a pair of shoes to go with that sentiment?! I am a full-time student. I am also a full-time mom, wife, and housekeeper. For added joy, I am a part-time substitute in several area high schools. One would think with this mix of influence, I would have many words to share. I don't. Yet, I do. See, words are the things that fly through my mind when I do not have a pen and paper, a keyboard and time, or a device to record my thoughts. These are the profound words I tell myself I will rememb...

I've always been amazed by those who hear the Lord speak to them and they fully know it is Him. I used to long in ways I never understood to have that same thing happen to me. Oh, hear me on this, it wasn't that He wasn't speaking, rather it was I who wasn't hearing. There's Speaking. Then there's Hearing. But both require Listening. Oh, not only to have ears that hear but a heart that listens. A few weeks ago, while doing my morning devotions, I felt the Lord nudging me. Wait, I need to back up a bit. I love learning. Honestly, more than I love teaching and you all know, well at least those of you who have read this blog for any length of time, how much I love to teach. I digress. For the last six months or so I had been doing in-depth Bible studies. Not your run of the mill read and fill in the blank ones, no these were dig-your-heals-in, read the text, learn the original Greek/Hebrew, draw parallels, and expose the very fiber of your soul studies. Y...

This past week the weathermen have been promising lots of snow. Different newscasts have thrown out varying amounts of accumulation and start dates/times. Anyone who's been this side of eternity for any length of time knows better than to take stock in the earliest forecast given. Then, anyone who lives in this general region knows better than to take stock in any forecast given! Regardless, I have spent the week with great anticipation of this year's "Snowmageddon". Like a kid at Christmas, I spent the week watching as the storm moved its way eastward, waiting with child-like glee for it to morph into this ginormous blue blip on the radar. Yet, as the week went on, neither did the radar develop a big, blue blip nor did it bring the with it the earliest promise accumulation of snowfall. However, that didn't stop me from waking up in the middle of the night to look out my bedroom window for the powdery-white goodness. You see, we were supposed to begin receiving...

I debated writing a "review" blog this year. Not because I didn't have a mountain of things to reflect upon, but more because I feel like my ability to voice them has been lost. Have you had seasons like that?  Seasons where you have so much to say but lack the ability to put it into adequate words?  Like in years past, I will share a list, in no certain order, of what the last 365 days held. 1. Life. It truly is a gift. I turned 40 last June. Each day seems to go by faster, seasons progress far more rapidly, and the silver shines through at an alarming pace on my head. Yet, the Lord above has seen fit to continually give me another chance to make a difference. I hope with each sunrise I can make Him proud. What a blessing indeed. 2. Marriage. The Mr. and I celebrated three years of wedded bliss this past April. I used to wonder at people who'd say they were married to their best friend and how it was even possible. After all, best friends are those people with wh...

I've been pretty quiet lately. Life has had its way of late. You know, those moments that turn into hours, which inevitably turn into days, then eventually weeks become, well, ultimately they become longer than you anticipated? Yes, those.  There's an old adage that says something along these lines -"The road of life is paved with good intentions," and yet another that says, "Life is what happens while you are making other plans." I don't know about you, but wouldn't it be nice if life just calmed down for a moment and let you have a say in it?! I recently finished a six week Bible Study called, The Quest , by Beth Moore. Ironically, the first day of this study was also a day that was immensely difficult for my husband, and in turn, me. For preservation's sake, I will not share the details of it, but know it was a storm that we did not want to weather and assuredly worked to negotiate any possible outcome that would prevent its occurrence. Agai...

I am currently in a Women's Bible Study hosted at my church's main campus. I love that I am geographically centered between our satellite campus (the one I regularly attend) and the main campus, but I digress. The Bible study is called, "The Quest" by Beth Moore. If you've never done one of her studies before, I encourage you to look into one. They are truly unique in their approach and delivery but you will, without a doubt, be filled with the truth of God's word. Now, back to this study! If you've followed my blog for any amount of time, you know my passion is teaching. It is the one thing, hands-down, I long to do with/in my life.  For those who are newer to this blog I'll spare you the deep dive (there are years worth of posts) - I have wanted to teach since elementary school. To save you some math that is three decades ago. While professionally I am not quite there, I don't doubt the doors are being fashioned and God will open them and allow...

I have a love-hate relationship with social media.  First, I love it simply because I can keep up on many things, most importantly what is going on in the life of my family and friends. Hate, well, because it does nothing more than exacerbate the green feeling I get when I see those highlight reels. Let me explain. How many times do you see people post about the lost job? The broken-down 15-year-old car? The leaking roof?  The kid who does nothing but sass back (yes, even though you are a church-going family)? The list goes on and on.  Those types of real-life sharings are few and far between. In fact, I am guilty of it myself. Like, who cares about my real-life anyway?  How many times do you see people post about little Johnny's first place checkers tournament win, or little Sue's handmade basket - which she just happened to do while underwater in less than five minutes thank you, or Jim-bob's promotion to supervisor first-class special super duper awesome line ...

I worry. I worry so much I tend to get lost in my head and lose inordinate amounts of time. In fact, I'd be remiss if I didn't say worry incapacitates me on many levels. This past weekend, Sunday and Monday to be more exact, had me in a flurry of worry. Before I continue, yes, I do know that the Lord is an ever-present sign in times of trouble, that He carries my burdens, that He cares about all the little itty-bitty details of my life and all of that which concerns me. I also know He never promised me life without struggle. These things, I know. In the deepest parts of me, I know. But, then. It isn't that He isn't who He says He is.  No, it isn't that at all. It is more that I have a problem with taking my eye off the storm, the issue at hand. I didn't sleep last night. I didn't sleep much the night before. In fact, in my desire to push out all of that "stuff" clouding my brain, I read two books. I barely functioned outside of reading. I didn...

For my birthday, I bought The Message version of the Bible. I told myself as soon as I got to the New Testament in my current reading plan I would stop reading in the NIV and switch over to this one. I admit I took my sweet old time getting there. I was scared. It almost felt like I was doing something wrong reading any other version than the one I had been reading for as long as I could remember. But a funny thing happened as I was reading this story-like version - in my head, I heard the words in the NIV. I could relate and still do, the words I've read and heard, over and over, for the past few decades. That is when I was able to really open myself up to what I was reading. Then today, it hit me. I am still learning God's truths, and the post you are about to read is what He revealed to me this morning.  I've often looked for the "more" in life.  What can I do to be "more"?  I want to be better than I was the day before. This constant striving to be...

This past Sunday the message at church was on Matthew 6:24-35.  Before I go on with this post, I need you to know something about me. I am a worrier. No, actually I am more than that. I am a worrier that worries so much anxiety takes over. I am also a person who worries about things that may or may not happen, I can create a million and one outcomes for something that isn't even a thought in another person's mind or close to reality. It boils down to this - I worry incessantly over things that really don't deserve the time of day. Then, in the same breath, I also don't worry about things many people think deserve at least some level of concern. Yes, I am a complicated person.  Now, back to Sunday. As I shared in my Sunday morning post, the one I wrote and posted BEFORE church, we are in the middle of a new storm. It had pretty much knocked me down and all those worries started taking over.  I prayed/am praying, my husband prayed/is praying, I asked for unspoken prayer...

I've taken a few weeks off from writing, not just this blog but anything, really. It isn't that I haven't had words to share, more I didn't know how to share them. In these weeks I have tossed around the idea of starting another blog - one not associated with this one in any way and also written under a nom de plume if you will. Not because I  don't think the message is valid, it truly is, but because it needs to stand on its own two feet. In the process of designing this in my head, I had breakfast with a dear friend of mine. I shared with her the thoughts and ideas I had as well as the things that have been weighing heavy on my heart. Needless to say, this time in fellowship was exactly what my heart needed to rethink the process. I will not start a new blog, at this time. I will, however, add to the book I am writing as the content is appropriate for that. My book. I am a solid 12,000 words into it. Yes, I have roughly 70,000 to go for it to be where most peo...

I've purposely not blogged this month for several reasons. (Yesterday's post was actually written a month ago; I had simply forgotten to click "publish".)  In years past I have spent days leading up to this date in an anxiety/depression fog. I've lamented over June in many posts and have, in no uncertain terms, coined it a horrible month - perhaps for the only reason, it contains today's date. There are times in a person's life when they experience certain rights of passage. We can look back on those times - turning double digits, becoming a teenager, getting to drive, graduating high school, graduating college, making it on your own, getting married, starting a family, turning thirty (without a ton of gray), and like me, today, turning forty (with a ton of gray!). I admit I pushed this into the recesses of my mind. I didn't want to think about it. I wanted to ignore its inevitability, but alas, this too came to pass. Over the course of the past se...

We sing this song in church. It is a simple song, which at first I admit I didn't fully understand its connotation. You can listen to it here .  I woke up this morning around 4 am, as I am apt to do lately, and this song was on my mind. Not softly, but blaring in my eardrums. ...faithful, you are...faithful forever you will be... I had to force myself back to sleep - it was much too early. I woke up less than two hours later and the song was still playing in my head. ...faithful, you are...all your promises are yes and amen... I know I have written several times about God's faithfulness and how I know, without a shadow of a doubt, He is who He says He is. But something struck me this morning. I don't think I have really, truly, looked at how His promises have been answered in my life. To be honest, in some regards, I equate his promises to answered prayers. I know! How completely selfish of me.  His promises have nothing to do with my prayers; rather they have eve...

Tomorrow is Mother's Day. As I sit here and reflect on the day I couldn't help but be drawn to youthful wishes and the way God answered prayer. I couldn't have been a young woman more than twenty years old when I cried out to the Lord for the first time. I wanted, more than anything, to be a mom. Sure, at that age I wasn't wholly prepared for what the role entailed but I was, none-the-less, hopeful for what it would bring. You see, I fully trusted and believed that having a child of my own would mean I would always have unconditional love. The kind of love I could give another and the love I would receive from another. Not because I was raised with that level of understanding, but because I wanted, more than anything, someone to prove my love to and someone I felt would do the same in return.  After all, don't mommies always love their babies and do for them everything they can?  Well, at least, I was going to be that mommy. God didn't answer my prayer at ...

I read a blog yesterday a friend of mine had shared on her Facebook page. It was about a woman, who after several years of marriage, six children, and countless other life experiences with the man she had married in her early years, still reveled in their love of one another. Sure, the premise of the blog had a physical undertone, but more than that it allowed the reader to relate to the fact - sometimes you just have to come together to get through it together.  I know I could relate. This post garnered many comments from other friends, and while I was unable to meet the level of understanding several of the others who commented on the post did, I still understood.  You see, unlike many of those who commented, I have been divorced and remarried - this gives a completely different view on the subject. Upon the first read, I was reminded how much stock we place in perfection while in a relationship. We, as a society, have gotten to a point where we believe a relationship ne...

This morning, like many others, I awoke to numerous notifications on my phone.  One of which, was for a post made in the Christian Moms Who Write group I am a member of. The post was a simple question, made by the group founder and admin, "What encourages you most about the Easter celebration?" I didn't hesitate in penning (errr...rather swyping) my response. After all, the answer had actually been heavy on my heart since I awoke Friday. Good Friday is many things to many people. I look to it and see the good it holds - perhaps why it was coined as such - the fact my Savior willingly died for me.  However, to look at it in those terms only, in my eyes, is to miss the sorrow and to mourn its occurrence. I woke yesterday with the hymn, How Great Thou Art playing on repeat in my head. (My absolute favorite hymn.) And truly, who could deny His greatness? My verbatim response to her question was: "Easter encourages me on so many levels but before it does that, i...

I am not a very trusting person.  You can blame it on the number of ways and times people, and life in general, have let me down - I do.  I keep people at arms length because I don't inherently trust.  In new environments I rarely talk, and if I do it is about those things I feel are worthy of discussion.  To be honest, even if I know you for a long time, there is still a part of me that doesn't trust you.  Not that you are secretly plotting to do ill towards me, but because I don't even want to give you a chance to.  Call it what you will, I call it self preservation. It's an ugly beast of a thing that lives in my head. It causes me to destroy friendships before they get off the ground and alienate myself in many social settings (my social anxiety does a lot of this too...so it is hard sometimes to tell which beast is gaining ground). I find the older I get, the more introverted I become.  I don't know if it is from my general need to declutter my d...

I'm not a water person. I don't long for beaches and ocean views for as far as the eye can see. I don't plan extravagant tropical vacations and I most certainly don't envy those who do.  Yet, I live in an area surrounded by water.  Lakes.  We are surrounded by lakes. LOTS of them and great big ones too - ahem...as in The Great Lakes . I can literally travel 20 minutes in any direction and be at a lake, river, or stream.  I am also not a fan of boats. They scare me.  It's not that they are inherently bad, but more because their sole purpose is to put me smack dab in the middle of said body of water and well, NO THANK YOU!!! Despite my general dislike for the water, I do appreciate the beauty of it. (I know, I often wonder about myself, too!) In fact, I don't mind looking at pictures of beautiful ocean/beach landscapes, hiking trails along a lake or river, and going to see certain bodies of water - like, say, waterfalls.  In fact, some of my favorite pictur...