Reason Enough
My entire life I have struggled with not being good enough and not being seen. In some situations, this would cause me to point out things others did wrong in order to make my insignificance a little less so. Or in others it would lead me to brag about the smallest of things in order to be noticed.
I grew up in a trailer park which sat at the top of a hill from a lake. At the bottom of the hill, around the lake, was a campground. I lived in the most magical place on Earth, or so my young self thought. I had friends and adventures. I had the freedom to play and grow the way kids of the 80's did. Despite all this, I was still picked on relentlessly up through middle school. We moved in high school, I thought it would change, but the only thing that did was the trailer park we lived in. You see, I had unfortunate growth cycles - this offered me many more years of roundness than height. I've also been plagued with poor eyesight, fine hair, and a challenging complexion. I began to build walls.
Because of these walls, I did everything in my power to be better at things. If I couldn't be noticed for me - maybe I could be noticed for what I did. In school, I tried to out shine and beat the other kids. That didn't work so well, despite my eagerness otherwise, I was just an average kid - no Einstein blood flowing through me. I still gave it my all and tried with the best of them which led me to fail more than succeed because I either didn't have the passion or the ability to excel. I carried this through all of my schooling years. (Don't give up on reading this yet...)
Then, I got into my working-world years. Oh, how I would push and push. Striving to be better - applying for every job I could because new meant better. Essentially, it boiled down not one lick to whether I liked the job, but that it meant I, too, was better. It would puff me up. Yes, I was that person. If I saw anyone doing better or getting more recognition, I'd fight all the more to prove my worth. I'd work more hours and run more circles around everyone to show I could handle a larger workload. I'd do the jobs no one wanted and work in every department that had a spot open to work, not because it was being helpful, but because it was making me better - I'd simply know more.
There was some good that came from this. I was afforded opportunities I am sure never would have come my way. For this, I am truly thankful. However, while holding 'bigger' roles I didn't have the social graces to excel and I didn't have the academics to fit in. So, I did what I do best. I became the bull in the china closet and did what I could to be seen; just like I did as a kid. I wanted to be enough and in that process lost many more opportunities than I gained. It has a way of working itself out, it seems.
You may be wondering what all this has to do with, well, anything. I'm working on closing out my thirties. This decade has been both good and bad. While there are some ways in which I have grown there are areas of my life where I still see the pattern of me wanting to be more, to be better. I have struggled with aggression equaling confidence - it doesn't. I've struggled with education equaling worth - it doesn't. And I have struggled with exactly where I fit in - I still don't know. What I do know - it was almost an epiphany - is that I am average. I was never meant for greatness, I don't hold the ability or personality for it. I was never meant for big roles - I don't have the mental fortitude for it. But I was meant to be me - in all the simpleness it holds.
Learning this is allowing me the opportunity to stop struggling, to stop forcing myself into my circumstances. I am average, but I am no less important. I don't know my purpose, but I know what I know and someday where those two meet, I'm going to be ready. I'll be able to show up and say, "Yes, here I am." And even if no one else sees that God is going to say, "I never once took my eyes off of you. You have always been enough for me".
That's it, too, dear reader. You are enough. No matter who has passed you by, no matter who has belittled you, demeaned you, tore you down. No matter what title you do or do not hold. You are enough. God sees you. He sees every single bit of all that you are and all that you go through and to Him none of it is insignificant. And all of that is possible simply because He loves you more than you will ever fathom.
So, let go of those things that are holding you captive. Those battles you are fighting - the ones that are against no one else but you. Those struggles you are so wrapped up in because they are comforting to you. Let them go because He sees you. He knows you. And to Him, you will always be reason enough.
I grew up in a trailer park which sat at the top of a hill from a lake. At the bottom of the hill, around the lake, was a campground. I lived in the most magical place on Earth, or so my young self thought. I had friends and adventures. I had the freedom to play and grow the way kids of the 80's did. Despite all this, I was still picked on relentlessly up through middle school. We moved in high school, I thought it would change, but the only thing that did was the trailer park we lived in. You see, I had unfortunate growth cycles - this offered me many more years of roundness than height. I've also been plagued with poor eyesight, fine hair, and a challenging complexion. I began to build walls.
Because of these walls, I did everything in my power to be better at things. If I couldn't be noticed for me - maybe I could be noticed for what I did. In school, I tried to out shine and beat the other kids. That didn't work so well, despite my eagerness otherwise, I was just an average kid - no Einstein blood flowing through me. I still gave it my all and tried with the best of them which led me to fail more than succeed because I either didn't have the passion or the ability to excel. I carried this through all of my schooling years. (Don't give up on reading this yet...)
Then, I got into my working-world years. Oh, how I would push and push. Striving to be better - applying for every job I could because new meant better. Essentially, it boiled down not one lick to whether I liked the job, but that it meant I, too, was better. It would puff me up. Yes, I was that person. If I saw anyone doing better or getting more recognition, I'd fight all the more to prove my worth. I'd work more hours and run more circles around everyone to show I could handle a larger workload. I'd do the jobs no one wanted and work in every department that had a spot open to work, not because it was being helpful, but because it was making me better - I'd simply know more.
There was some good that came from this. I was afforded opportunities I am sure never would have come my way. For this, I am truly thankful. However, while holding 'bigger' roles I didn't have the social graces to excel and I didn't have the academics to fit in. So, I did what I do best. I became the bull in the china closet and did what I could to be seen; just like I did as a kid. I wanted to be enough and in that process lost many more opportunities than I gained. It has a way of working itself out, it seems.
You may be wondering what all this has to do with, well, anything. I'm working on closing out my thirties. This decade has been both good and bad. While there are some ways in which I have grown there are areas of my life where I still see the pattern of me wanting to be more, to be better. I have struggled with aggression equaling confidence - it doesn't. I've struggled with education equaling worth - it doesn't. And I have struggled with exactly where I fit in - I still don't know. What I do know - it was almost an epiphany - is that I am average. I was never meant for greatness, I don't hold the ability or personality for it. I was never meant for big roles - I don't have the mental fortitude for it. But I was meant to be me - in all the simpleness it holds.
Learning this is allowing me the opportunity to stop struggling, to stop forcing myself into my circumstances. I am average, but I am no less important. I don't know my purpose, but I know what I know and someday where those two meet, I'm going to be ready. I'll be able to show up and say, "Yes, here I am." And even if no one else sees that God is going to say, "I never once took my eyes off of you. You have always been enough for me".
That's it, too, dear reader. You are enough. No matter who has passed you by, no matter who has belittled you, demeaned you, tore you down. No matter what title you do or do not hold. You are enough. God sees you. He sees every single bit of all that you are and all that you go through and to Him none of it is insignificant. And all of that is possible simply because He loves you more than you will ever fathom.
So, let go of those things that are holding you captive. Those battles you are fighting - the ones that are against no one else but you. Those struggles you are so wrapped up in because they are comforting to you. Let them go because He sees you. He knows you. And to Him, you will always be reason enough.
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