I Read Too Much

The tiny little drops break my heart.  Her tears fall warmly onto my shoulder.  I can do nothing but hold her and let her know how much mommy loves her.  My littlest little cries.  A lot.  As do most children,  but my little girl, she cries because she misses her daddy.  Today, while she cried, I cried too.  I used to hold them while they cried and tell them everything will be ok.  That we were going to be ok.  We are.  I know that, well someday.  Yet today I couldn't not cry.  I wanted to stay strong and mom-like for her, but the broken woman in me won.  She doesn't come out as much anymore, but she is there, under the surface as a constant reminder to what will never be. And that, that is why I cried today.  My tears mixed with her tears.  When she told me she missed her daddy, I told her I did too.  I do.  I miss my family being my family.  I miss that we, together, won't be watching our ...

I've had a rough weekend.  There are days that I feel great.  Days where nothing gets me down.  Then there are days like today, well, the last 3 actually, where I can not find an ounce of joy to save my life.  Oh, I don't let others see this.  I show them smiles and laughs and all of that, but inside there is nothing there.  These are the days when I am completely full of pain and hurt and buckets full of tears that want nothing more than solitude so they can fall. I was sitting here Saturday morning and I looked over at my littlest little and all I could do was cry.  Here sits this beautiful little girl who never would be here if we didn't fight for our marriage and work through some of the ick.  Every marriage has ick.  Every relationship has ick.  Each and every one of my littles is a reminder to me that at one time all of the ick was just small potatoes compared to honoring a commitment made before God.  But, that was then, th...

I know we have all, at some time or another, thought about what we would say to our future self if we were given the chance.  This has been on my mind a lot lately.  I know that I cannot change my past any more than I can foresee my future, but what I do know is that I can take what I have learned and apply it to my future.  So, if I were to write a letter to myself, today, with what I know now, this is what I'd say. Dear self, It's ok.  No, really.  It is quite ok not to have all of the answers.  You weren't meant to.  I know that there is going to be a day when you will search deep to find them and you are going to come up empty; really, really empty.  Again, it's ok.  Honestly there may not even be a place to find the answers.  There are things in life that can't be found online or in a book.  These are the things you may not even get the best advice from others for.  It's ok. You have to be ok with not knowing.  It ...

A little over four weeks ago I set a new running goal.  I do that - sometimes.  I set goals.  I wouldn't like to admit I fail at most of them, but sometimes I am a bit more aggressive in thought than I am in action. Regardless, I set a goal to run 100 miles in 4 weeks time.  For some this isn't a hard goal.  In fact, many of the running pages that I follow, for them, this is a small amount of miles to achieve in a month, then for others the goal is equally as challenging. The point is, I did it.  For the first time ever I was able to finish my 100 mile goal.  I'd like to say that it was my marathon training that did it.  Truthfully it actually was.  (With a slight modification to have that many miles.) You see, there is something about the rigid training one has to go through to prepare for a race that long.  I've read many articles on line and in my running magazines that say training for a marathon is more than strapping on...

I've come to a conclusion, one based on lack of sleep and several hours of crying.  Yes, I am still doing that.  It's ok.  I'm ok with it.  There is no timeline to this process.  There is no right or wrong.  There is no mold to fit into when it comes to grieving a divorce.  Each person, each breakup, and definitely each situation, is different.  I still cry.  I still get overly emotional and downright inconsolable. Anyhow, back to my conclusion.  One that didn't really dawn on me until I was replying to someone that means a lot to me. You see, last night, I was a mess.  I was reminded, yet again, just exactly how disposable I was.  It was thrown into my face with such vehemence that I was literally left speechless by the words that were said to me by the ex-Mr.  He fought for his new girlfriend.  He defended her and all but screamed, in so many words, that he loved her.  That is where I lost it. Ther...

I've read recently that God gives us the parents that we need.  I know that we are not supposed to question His authority, but really?  Just what was He thinking?  I won't sit here and rehash all the eww that I had to grow up with.  All the pain, heartache, blah, blah, blah that it was.  I mean, we are as adults, a product of our upbringing regardless of how we changed.  Yes, this means we could have grown up in a very strict, Christian home and become complete crazed partying lunatics or we could have grown up in a home with parents that were never there and vowed to become the most attentive parents to our own children that we could.  Like I said, in one way or another we are all a product of our upbringing. However, in order for God to give us the parents that we need, He has to give them the children that they need.  Yeah, it kind of works that way!  Here I sit reflecting on that very thing.  You see, for as long as I can remember ...

I know this is the title of some movie Hollywood wasted money to create.  Chances are it may even be somewhat decent.  I didn't watch it.  It isn't my cup of tea.  Honestly, I can't even tell you what it is about and that really isn't the point.  I will spare you the science lesson of how a butterfly comes into being.  We all, for the most part, can remember that from Kindergarten.  It is more the philosophical premise of the butterfly that has the wheels in my head spinning tonight. You see, I stumbled upon a quote today that was simple yet profound.  The summer after my littlest Little was born we took them all on a vacation to Chicago.  One of the places we went was the Brookfield Zoo.  That particular year they had a butterfly house exhibit.  It was absolutely beautiful.  Hundreds, perhaps even thousands, of butterflies flitting around from plant to plant, person to person, just being.  These delica...