I Read Too Much

I've gone back over a few things that I wrote for myself, those letters during the early months of the ex-Mr's journey elsewhere.  I marvel at the clarity I had during such a tumultuous period of my life.  Seriously, I sounded put together.  I sounded like a woman that really did know what she needed, or rather, where she needed to go.  I looked up and in for those answers.  I sought.  Continuously.  For strength and guidance.  I followed a pattern in those days, the ones between February and a couple weeks ago.  A clear pattern.  Actually, it became all the more earnest until June.  I broke in June.  I  used to pray people.  Daily.  I scrawled notes in the margins of my Bible, I penned letter after letter, I journaled extensively, all with the same theme - Father, guard my heart.  I knew.  I had been told.  I felt it.  Mostly, I knew especially when I stopped the waterfall of tears and...

Sleep eluded me last night.  It does that when my thoughts take over, when the words won't stop flowing.  I've written so much these past few days.  Some I've shared with you; much I have not.  It isn't that I won't, we all know that at some point I will to a degree, it's just that there are some thoughts that have to fully form.  The ideas have to put themselves together in just the right way.  Then there are those thoughts that no matter how much I care about you, I simply must save for myself.  These are my letters, my words, that I hold.  But, this post isn't about those. I fell asleep somewhere around 9:30pm with the light on, and my notebook, a pen, and a good book open beside me. I do that often.  I fall asleep in such a manner.  Truth is I have a couple notebooks, several pens, a couple dozen books - all started, none finished - tucked in my headboard.  That doesn't include the basket of running magazines on top of it...

Have you ever found yourself at that place where the holding on and the letting go are at war with one another? Truth, it's a terrible place to be.  No, seriously, it is.  I've been there a couple of times this past year.  I'd like to tell you that I've mastered this, that I'm the best EVER at taking things as they come and NOT having any thought/emotion/feeling/care about them. But I can't.  I never will, it's part of who I am.  Honestly, I think it is part of who we all are, even if it is just a bit. You see, I'm the kind of person that gives her all.  When  you are my friend I'll BE your friend.  I'll stick up for you, comfort you, provide for you, be there for you in the best way I can, I'll just be.  On the same note, I appreciate this consideration in return.  I also do this in all my relationships.  Right or wrong.  Some of them teach me that I'm far too giving, hell, many of them do, but again this is part of who I am...

Every year I anxiously await the ACD festival in town.  I know, most of the locals rue this time of year.  Truth, our bustling little burg does grow by an unfortunate number of national and international folks.  But, economy IS economy.  In the end we are all thankful for that.  Yet it is the other reason that I love this time of year.  September has long been one of my most favorite months.  There have been so many reasons to celebrate this month.  School is back in session, fall makes its official appearance, my grandma's birthday, my step-dad's birthday, many of my friends' birthdays, the ACD festival, the DeKalb County Free Fall Fair, and a plethora of other things.  Let's face it September rocks.  Well, until this year.  This year I have had to face, what is typically the entry to my favorite season, the onset of my favorite month with the cold hard facts - I have had to face it alone.  This has been the first year ...

Yesterday I shared about how my devotional was spot on with what I'm dealing with, and well, I'm still going back over the ones I've left unread for the past couple months.  I shouldn't have, left them unread that is, but I can honestly tell you I wouldn't have really read them anyhow.  I had turned my listening ears off because I had turned my way of doing things on.  There are a lot of things that happened this summer.  A lot of beautiful things and a lot of not so beautiful things.  I have a lot of memories that I will cherish forever and some lessons that I wish I would have never learned.  I think the hardest lesson, and this will be a post later on, is about the amount of people who will let you go, as a friend, acquaintance, etc because they only want to view one side of a story.  Again, we will revisit that later. Back to a bit from today's devotional, which was actually from July 14th.  "And your sin isn’t any better!...

I find it ironic that, for the past couple of days, my devotionals have been almost word for word with my blogs. OK, that may be stretching it, but my blogs, now that I have caught up with my devotionals, seem to follow suit.  (Or the timing of my experiences I should say.) EXCERPT FROM MY DEVOTIONAL: Galatians 3:4 says, “Were all your experiences wasted? I hope not” (NCV). Don’t run away from your past. Because of pain, many people deny their past, ignore their past, discount their past, regret their past, or resent their past. They revise their past and make up stories because they’re happier dealing with the lie than the pain of the past. But if you’re in denial, God can’t use your experience for good. God can use every experience in your life for good, but you’ve got to stop running from them. You have to embrace your experiences. Maybe your parents weren’t that great, maybe you weren’t that hot in school, maybe you weren’t the football captain or the prom queen — so what? ...

I have thought about this post so many times in the last 10 months. YES, 10 months! People, I am literally 2 months from the one year mark where the ex-Mr walked away. I know, I know, I am TOTALLY the last person to dole out marriage advice. I mean, hell, I've been divorced twice now -we'll leave it at they both moved on, but I am the woman that gets left for a different model. Ok, so I'm not being fair to this blog post or myself here. I have a point. I hope you stick around long enough to read it. Truth, marriage is not easy. It is actually the hardest thing you will EVER do in life. I understand that many people do NOT want to hear marriage advice from a twice-divorced, single woman. But, it's my blog and you ARE here. Now, now, I am not trying to be a smarty-pants, it's just, well, sometimes you have to walk a mile in those shoes to realize the full extent of the blisters they create. So here are a few things I'd like to share. Again, I am not claiming t...