I Read Too Much

I was recently told that I am a complex person, but in a good way.  Ha!  Well, truth, I am complex, good or not.  I am really working on this "who am I" thing.  I've had some amazing conversations with some wonderful people over this past week.  Truth, past several months. Each one has helped me peel back a layer of the person I always thought I was to find the person I really am.  You know, its quite funny really, when you look back and realize that you have created an image of  yourself based solely off of those things you think others expect you to be.  I know.  Fake.  I hate to admit that.  I am actually quite saddened by it.  But the cool thing I'm learning is that its ok to be me.  I'm an ok person.  Who and what I am are good, albeit not perfect - but really, are any of us? Yet, this is where I begin to fight myself.  Where I begin to struggle with the real me and the one I created for others. ...

Each day that goes by my heart becomes more, well, something.  I've had highs and lows.  I've had expectations and regrets.  I've anticipated and regrettably been let down.  I've been comfortable on my own and suffered from extreme loneliness. Despite all of this I'm still a mess.  I still struggle.  I'm beginning to wonder when that struggle will end. Will it ever end?  So today I thought it was time to share what I'm looking for.  There are specific qualities that are major - a complete must.  These aren't things that a person can fake either, these are things that will be who they are.  These are what makes them, defines them.  Pretending doesn't allow for this.  Oh, change can happen, but time is the only real tell of that.  Honest. To. Goodness. Truth. Dear future person: First and foremost be honest and have integrity.  Please, above all else, do NOT lie.  Be who you say you are and do what yo...

It's here.  The end.  Well, not really.  Its not that kind of morbid finality, but it is an end of sorts.  This is not a funny, happy, jump-for-joy, kind of thing either.  This is the end of a chapter of my life.  An end of something that could have been, well, obviously more than it is.  It is the end of my marriage.  Yes, today, today papers were signed, filed, legalities agreed upon, etc, etc.  Today, began the countdown to the next chapter.  The next story that my life will hold. We had a good day, he and I.  We talked, laughed, quarrelled amicably (yes, it is possible), and took care of what needed to be taken care of.  There really wasn't much left, business wise.  After all, this process started last year.  I think there is a lot to be said for all of that time.  That time where I questioned, cried, loathed, hurt, prayed, yearned, and sought.  I sought.  Hard and Up.  And I found...

I think I'm losing the battle here.   I pray that I don't lose the war.  I hate to admit that I am not as strong as other people think I am.  I feel like I am failing you.  You have this crazy thought that I'm making it, that I'm succeeding, that I'm being true to all that God has to offer and has designed for me.  I'm not.  I'm failing.  I'm faltering.  My walk is starting to look jagged.  It isn't what it should be.  I'm embarrassed.  I'm full of anger - with myself.  How did I get here?  How did I lose sight of the prize?  How did I take my eyes off of the best thing that God had for me?  HOW?  It was slow.  Isn't it always?  Isn't it always that first glimpse of a shiny butterfly that flitters across your field of vision that piques your curiosity?  Then you find that you want to see it again, so you start searching for it.  You take steps in the direction you last saw it flutt...

Most of the time, and I know you will all agree, advice is not welcome.  In fact, unsolicited advice is not only offensive, but a major turn on off.  But then, there are times when maybe, just maybe, advice is needed.  It isn't necessarily sought in a direct manner, but its received through a good conversation.  I received some of that kind of advice today; good, solid, sound advice.  It was packaged in a lovely, albeit too brief, conversation with my girl Tracie.  I've shared a couple times lately how God brings people into your life.  Now, I've known Tracie for several years.  We've hung out, had girl time, and talked briefly from time to time.  Today, today Tracie ministered to me in many ways.  She brought a sense of understanding to my confusion, a clarity to my murkiness, and a peace to my internal war.  She did all this by simply using her words.  Her knowledge.  Her inside view of wh...

I'm afraid.  I'm afraid to be alone the rest of my life.  I'm  afraid that I'm too old to be wanted, too something no one will like, too mommy-like to be thought of as a woman.  I'm simply afraid.  It really does hurt to be thrown out like yesterday's trash.  To be pushed aside by someone for something that looks like, smells like, tastes like something better than what you have to offer.  It really does a number to one's self esteem and self confidence.  I lack that - on an epic level.  I think the thing that is even more frustrating is that everyone keeps saying things will get better.  I laugh at that inwardly because all the people giving this advice are NOT in my situation.  They are NOT alone.  They HAVE someone to love and to share their life with.  They HAVE their happily ever after.  They are NOT broken, rejected, looked over, discarded, unloved. I had a good friend tell me, just the other day, that I ...

Truly you would think I'd have this down pat, that I'd not be where I am at right now, but I don't and I am.  Parenting is hard.  No, scratch that, parenting is impossible .  Being a single parent just takes it to a whole new level of "oh my goodness will I ever get this right?!"  Seriously, it has been the girls and me for most of their lives, since their dad and I always worked opposite shifts, but there was still that underlying knowledge that he was there to help, especially during those off hours.  What a blessing that was.  I am recognizing that more and more as these days go on.  What I'm recognizing even more is that it truly does take a village to raise a child. Or, in the least, more than one adult!  Ha! I'm not trying to put myself in the "I'm the only mom who has done this" category, I am not that naive, but I am the only me that has done this and that in itself makes me the only one.  We start our day, if we are luc...