I Read Too Much

I want to be completely honest with you.  I struggle with who I am.  I struggle with what I am supposed to do and what I am supposed to be.  There are days when the answers seem so incredibly clear and days when I struggle to recite the ABCs.  I hate putting my self out there like this, but something about today warrants the transparency.  My greatest and biggest fear is that I won't be good enough.  I am so epically afraid to fail that it consumes me.  In fact it drives me to ends that I cannot even believe I find myself.  This desire not to fail brings me to fighting for justice in regards to myself and my children, even when there isn't a fight there. People, I loathe this.  I abhor the fact that others judge me and my parenting and my way of raising a family simply because it is not the same way that they would do it. I hate that because of this I lose relationships due to lashing out and protecting my own. I do that.  I will fight...

Have you ever had a moment, or two, where you felt that you were in over your head?  I won't lie to you, these past few months have felt like that to me.  I should back up a pace or two.  I jumped in feet first in to a full time graduate study program.  Me, a wife and mom of 5 (3 daughters & 2 step-sons), full time(+) employee, and mediocre friend.  (I give it that moniker these days because I think my relationships are falling apart because I'm unable to give more of myself.  I fear I will lose them on this journey, and yet pray they are still there for me when I finally cross that finish line.)  Anyway, my point:  I'm in over my head. Now, I will never sit here and tell you that everything you want in life should be easy, or come easy, or EVER, EVER be given to you.  No, I'm a firm believer in earning what you have, in devoting the necessary time and passion towards goal achievement.  Gosh...I just spat that out like a ...