I Read Too Much

I was recently told that I am a complex person, but in a good way.  Ha!  Well, truth, I am complex, good or not.  I am really working on this "who am I" thing.  I've had some amazing conversations with some wonderful people over this past week.  Truth, past several months. Each one has helped me peel back a layer of the person I always thought I was to find the person I really am.  You know, its quite funny really, when you look back and realize that you have created an image of  yourself based solely off of those things you think others expect you to be.  I know.  Fake.  I hate to admit that.  I am actually quite saddened by it.  But the cool thing I'm learning is that its ok to be me.  I'm an ok person.  Who and what I am are good, albeit not perfect - but really, are any of us? Yet, this is where I begin to fight myself.  Where I begin to struggle with the real me and the one I created for others. ...

Each day that goes by my heart becomes more, well, something.  I've had highs and lows.  I've had expectations and regrets.  I've anticipated and regrettably been let down.  I've been comfortable on my own and suffered from extreme loneliness. Despite all of this I'm still a mess.  I still struggle.  I'm beginning to wonder when that struggle will end. Will it ever end?  So today I thought it was time to share what I'm looking for.  There are specific qualities that are major - a complete must.  These aren't things that a person can fake either, these are things that will be who they are.  These are what makes them, defines them.  Pretending doesn't allow for this.  Oh, change can happen, but time is the only real tell of that.  Honest. To. Goodness. Truth. Dear future person: First and foremost be honest and have integrity.  Please, above all else, do NOT lie.  Be who you say you are and do what yo...

It's here.  The end.  Well, not really.  Its not that kind of morbid finality, but it is an end of sorts.  This is not a funny, happy, jump-for-joy, kind of thing either.  This is the end of a chapter of my life.  An end of something that could have been, well, obviously more than it is.  It is the end of my marriage.  Yes, today, today papers were signed, filed, legalities agreed upon, etc, etc.  Today, began the countdown to the next chapter.  The next story that my life will hold. We had a good day, he and I.  We talked, laughed, quarrelled amicably (yes, it is possible), and took care of what needed to be taken care of.  There really wasn't much left, business wise.  After all, this process started last year.  I think there is a lot to be said for all of that time.  That time where I questioned, cried, loathed, hurt, prayed, yearned, and sought.  I sought.  Hard and Up.  And I found...

I think I'm losing the battle here.   I pray that I don't lose the war.  I hate to admit that I am not as strong as other people think I am.  I feel like I am failing you.  You have this crazy thought that I'm making it, that I'm succeeding, that I'm being true to all that God has to offer and has designed for me.  I'm not.  I'm failing.  I'm faltering.  My walk is starting to look jagged.  It isn't what it should be.  I'm embarrassed.  I'm full of anger - with myself.  How did I get here?  How did I lose sight of the prize?  How did I take my eyes off of the best thing that God had for me?  HOW?  It was slow.  Isn't it always?  Isn't it always that first glimpse of a shiny butterfly that flitters across your field of vision that piques your curiosity?  Then you find that you want to see it again, so you start searching for it.  You take steps in the direction you last saw it flutt...

Most of the time, and I know you will all agree, advice is not welcome.  In fact, unsolicited advice is not only offensive, but a major turn on off.  But then, there are times when maybe, just maybe, advice is needed.  It isn't necessarily sought in a direct manner, but its received through a good conversation.  I received some of that kind of advice today; good, solid, sound advice.  It was packaged in a lovely, albeit too brief, conversation with my girl Tracie.  I've shared a couple times lately how God brings people into your life.  Now, I've known Tracie for several years.  We've hung out, had girl time, and talked briefly from time to time.  Today, today Tracie ministered to me in many ways.  She brought a sense of understanding to my confusion, a clarity to my murkiness, and a peace to my internal war.  She did all this by simply using her words.  Her knowledge.  Her inside view of wh...

I'm afraid.  I'm afraid to be alone the rest of my life.  I'm  afraid that I'm too old to be wanted, too something no one will like, too mommy-like to be thought of as a woman.  I'm simply afraid.  It really does hurt to be thrown out like yesterday's trash.  To be pushed aside by someone for something that looks like, smells like, tastes like something better than what you have to offer.  It really does a number to one's self esteem and self confidence.  I lack that - on an epic level.  I think the thing that is even more frustrating is that everyone keeps saying things will get better.  I laugh at that inwardly because all the people giving this advice are NOT in my situation.  They are NOT alone.  They HAVE someone to love and to share their life with.  They HAVE their happily ever after.  They are NOT broken, rejected, looked over, discarded, unloved. I had a good friend tell me, just the other day, that I ...

Truly you would think I'd have this down pat, that I'd not be where I am at right now, but I don't and I am.  Parenting is hard.  No, scratch that, parenting is impossible .  Being a single parent just takes it to a whole new level of "oh my goodness will I ever get this right?!"  Seriously, it has been the girls and me for most of their lives, since their dad and I always worked opposite shifts, but there was still that underlying knowledge that he was there to help, especially during those off hours.  What a blessing that was.  I am recognizing that more and more as these days go on.  What I'm recognizing even more is that it truly does take a village to raise a child. Or, in the least, more than one adult!  Ha! I'm not trying to put myself in the "I'm the only mom who has done this" category, I am not that naive, but I am the only me that has done this and that in itself makes me the only one.  We start our day, if we are luc...

Have you ever been consumed with some emotion, any emotion really, but consumed by it on a level so epic that you invariably said something that you shouldn't?  Yeah, me too.  Honestly, I do it a lot.  I'd say 99% of that verbal spewing is done offline, but there are times when my emotion overloads my reason and I let my fingers do the talking.  I did that today.  I did the one thing I told myself once all this ick started to happen, that I'd never do. I opened up that ugly door, the one I have kept tightly closed, and let something out.  I shared some of the dark, dark thoughts that I had, the ones that emotion creates.  Now, only because I know you can't pop on and see what I wrote, know that it wasn't physically harming or demeaning, but it did show a side of me that I've worked, honestly that the Lord has worked, hard to keep covered.  By covered, I don't mean a shameful hiding, by covered I mean covered by the grace of God and the love o...

We all have some.  Each and every single one of us.  Some carry it in pretty little satchels where it is tucked neatly into strategically placed compartments, while others drag it behind them in plastic bags where something inevitably falls out from each newly created hole.  I'd like to say I'm one of those who carry their baggage in a pretty little satchel, but I can't.  Truth be told, there are are times when the holes in the plastic bag I'm dragging get so big I have to put them into a pretty little satchel to hold them in, but in the end, it all comes out anyway. That's the thing, isn't it?  When is the right time to show it, to let it out?  Is there even a right time?  Yes!  In fact there isn't just a right time, there is an  EXACT time and its different for each of us.  It is that time in which you are most comfortable with the you you are and honestly trust the other person enough to let them see and kno...

Each day gets harder as the realization sets in that I am all alone, so very, very alone.  It's quite sad, really, this feeling.  I've had so many people tell me that this too shall pass, that I will come out stronger in the end.  Truthfully I feel everything but strong.  I feel lost, hopeless, rejected, worthless, and a bevy of other feelings along this same line of thought. I have a lot of fabulous friends.  Many of whom have given me advice - some that I would never act upon.  Yes, I really want to move on, but there is a line that cannot be crossed.  A line that quite frankly I wouldn't cross regardless of my spiritual and/or religious beliefs.  But I know what they are saying and understand their reasoning.  But it just isn't going to happen. Then I have the advice of friends that are more in tuned to the love and teaching of the Lord than I am.  Yes, it's true, I don't have a flawless walk, but show me a 'perfe...