I Read Too Much

Life has them.  Sometimes we let them take us too far.  We let them take over our rational thought. Expectations can really work a person over.  I'm there.  Today.  I have in my mind this expectation, this unmet understanding that I let myself walk into.  I let myself think that things were starting to figure themselves out.  I expected this of myself.  I expected that as things started to have dates and glimpses of closure I would be just fine.  I'm not.  Fine is not a word in today's vocabulary.  Instead today I am filled with hurt,pain.  Self induced of course. I had an expectation of life finding its new normal.  In 9 short days is the first court appearance.  Yes, we're moving right along aren't we?  Actually, no.  Not fast enough if you ask me, but we all know my issue with patience.  Honestly, I'm ready for the day after that.  To wake up and put on a smile  and look in...

I had a good day.  Work was one of those days where you are so busy you don't realize that almost 10 hours have gone by until you look at the clock in shock.  I think this is a blessing.  I got some great news today at work too, some that made me squeal with joy.  Naturally, I felt like celebrating.  So, what does a single (yet still legally married) woman with 3 children do?  She takes them out to eat.  Yes, my social life is the envy of all.  No, really, my girls are gorgeous!  But so is their mom - Ha!  We went to one of my favorite places - Buffalo Wild Wings.  What?  Of course!  No, I am not one of those girls who cuts a piece of lettuce into 5 niblits before she can eat it, heavens, why waste so much time?!  It was a fun time out.  My middle little was especially excited, there was a ball game on.  Yes, she is a child after my own heart. She loves college hoops a...

One of my greatest weaknesses is lack of patience.  Truly, I come by it honestly.  I mean, if any of you know my mom, yeah, just sayin'!  But I'm not here to do finger pointing, after all we all have the choice to be our own person.  No one can make us do or be someone we aren't.  Alright, this is going down a different path than I had wanted it to. It's true.  I am not a patient person.  Yes, I am one of those toe tapping, finger strumming, body fidgeting, hair twirling, people who display in all matters known to man my utter disdain for waiting.  I hate to wait.  Period!  End of story.  There are times when I think a New York minute isn't fast enough and heaven's I've never even been there!  (Yes, I do realize it is a figure of speech.) Lack of patience isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it can make a person do things that aren't always right.  And I think that is what has had me so frustrated lately.  I me...

For those that have followed me for a while you know about the epic level of ick I have going on in my life right now.  You know about the heartache, the pain, the tears, the...well, you just know.  You also know that when I have something that is just too much for me to handle I deal with it by writing it out.  It's a passion really, not just a way for me to express myself when I don't really want to call someone up and say it.  This makes it more personal, yet not quite so.  Yes, I am a walking contradiction.  Either that or the two halves of my brain are fighting again!  Ha!  No, really, I've had something that I'm being dealt with over.  This is something outside of my failed marriage, my wayward husband, and my tear soaked posts, yet it is something that is also a part of each of those. God has been dealing with me, ever so gently, for a few weeks now about one thing.  At first I thought it was funny that He'd ...

Yesterday happened - he's officially gone.  I helped him move.  Yes, I know.  I even sat there with him while he signed the lease for his new place - 12 months.  One year .  That's how long he is committing to being away.  I shouldn't say it like that, really, because he has already made the decision to go, this is merely another step to the process.  Each step he's taken has moved him farther and farther away.  I want to tell you I didn't cry yesterday, really I do, but I did.  I didn't cry while sitting there watching him sign his lease, I didn't cry while carrying his things up to his apartment, and I didn't cry while driving him back to the house so he could pick up his other car. BUT I did cry when he told me he loved me; when he felt the need to utter words that I've longed to hear for months.  I told him not to tell me that, not to lie to me, because love does not leave .  Love DOES NOT walk away.  He clarified hi...

I started packing his stuff this past weekend.  First it was just for something to do, something to keep my mind busy.  Then as I continued it became necessary.  Honestly, it became down right therapeutic!  I know now that the man that I married isn't coming back to me and I need to let go of the one he has become. I started in the kitchen, giving him all of the things there were duplicates of.   He'll be happy to know most of it is Pampered Chef.  Then I moved to the living room and boxed up all of the games, movies, consoles, etc.  I'd have packed up the Blue ray player and surround sound too, had I known what to do with all those wires!  But, I figured we might as well enjoy the last week of TV we will have, since he will be taking that with him.  Next I moved to the bedroom closet.  That's where I felt sad, I mean, here I was packing away the things we'd amassed over the years.  I packed those childhood b...

I haven't been able to sleep.  My mind is so full, full of all these things.  Things I can control, many that I can't.  It was almost midnight before I was able to close my eyes, but I was awakened at 3:40 by the sound of the front door slowly opening with the ever so quiet entrance of the one person who has turned my life upside down.  He thought he was being stealthy, I could tell by the purposeful movements, but he wasn't.  After turning on the TV, fixing a bowl of cereal, and waking our 4 year old (unintentionally), he sat down to watch Star Trek.  I had the nerve to ask this morning, why, after all these months has he finally started coming straight home?  For many months now he's slept in his car at work, or in the parking lot at Walmart or McDonald's, or any such place he felt the need to tell me. Truth or not.  Except for now.  Now, when I desperately want peace, he's back; back to being where he should - even though he really is...

OK, lovelies, it was bound to happen and today it did.  In fact, I was really taken aback by the way it happened.  Really it is a commonplace occurance, one I've actually experienced a time or two myself over the years. In the past it had reared itself, most often, at the wrong time, and in some cases at the right time. It manifests differently for us all and the presentation of it is just as different.  For me, today, it was highly embarrassing. It being... Anger .  It's a beast.  It can ravage you.  It can take weeks and months worth of work and destroy it in a single swipe.  It can make you into something you never wanted to be.  I can explain it away, really I have an excuse.  No, really, there is no excuse.  It was unacceptable the way I expressed myself.  The funny thing is just this past Sunday in Sunday School we studied about Anger.  The right kind and the wrong kind.  Today, I had the wrong kind....

There are a million quotes that talk about journeys and the paths we must take in life.  Some are inspirational and some leave you wondering what the author was actually taking while on his particular journey.  This journey I am on started at the end of October last year.  In the beginning I didn't see it for what it was, oh I read a few of the road signs, like "caution: bump in the road" and "rough terrain ahead," but I naively thought it'd be a quick obstacle and life would go on as normal.  Yet, those small obstacles steered me into bigger ones, like "caution: road closed," "no guard rail," and "falling rocks."  Obstacles I was not prepared for.  I mean, they are things you learn about in driver's training,  read about in books, and see in movies, but they aren't things you actually have to encounter; until you do. And now I am where I am today.  I can't say the journey is over, but I can say I've come throu...

This has been a super hard week for me.  I mean really, really hard.  I've cried, I've been sick, I've cried some more, ok, let's just leave it with - I've cried.  Well, crying may be a bit too calm of an emotion.  What I've really done is sobbed - gut wrenching deep, soul crushing, heart-breaking sobs.  After all, it isn't every day you find out the worst about the one you love the most.  I've gotten some texts, some instant messages, some phone calls, and some wall posts all telling me it's going to be ok; that this too shall pass; that what doesn't kill me will make me stronger; that God will never give me more than I can handle; that I'm strong enough to get through this; etc, etc.  Here's the thing - I don't want to just get through this.  I don't want to just over come this.   I want to win this.  I want my husband back.   But I fear he isn't coming back.  Today was the day he told me he was signing the lease ...