I Read Too Much

...love and hugs and kisses and smiles and warmth.  A grandma is strength and softness and kindness and praise.  A grandma is a gift.  My grandma came to visit this past weekend.  It isn't often that I get to see her anymore.  You see, she can't drive these days and relies on those around her to get her where she needs to go.  I'd be that someone, but she lives in Chicago, and well, I don't.  Just like the rest of us, grandma is getting older.  I think the hardest part about seeing her so sporadically is that in my mind's eye she is still 50 years old and healthy as can be. When I was younger she used to live next door, this is where I spent most of my time.  I probably still would if she were closer. But I digress... Grandma used to have a sewing room.  I was never destined to be a seamstress like she was, but how I loved to tinker with the scraps she left behind.  I can remember one fine day, in 7th grade, where I was bound...

Have you ever had a day when you felt like life was just smiling on you?  Today started out like any other day.  I woke up, got ready for work, went to work, picked up the kids, and went to church.  I know, doesn't sound all that exciting or special does it?  In fact, there were parts in there that weren't so great.  Let me start there. I have been working closer to home off and on for three weeks now.  No, I didn't relocate or get a new job, I have just been fortunate enough to be in a facility closer to home.  One of the best things about this is that I don't have to wake up as early and I get to see my children before they go to school each day.  This has been such a blessing for me.  Then while at work I have had the opportunity to do something that I love - teach.  This is the part of my job that puts a smile on my face and warms my heart.  There is something so amazing about helping someone learn a faster, better, smoother w...

I don't know the first thing about golf and truth be told I really don't want to.  However, today I feel like calling a mulligan.  Not because I want to redo any portion of this day, but more so because I want to redo my life, or at least certain portions of it.  I'm finding that on this quest to trust others and to love others that there are huge moments of reflection involved.  Reflection, regrettably, brings about guilt;  guilt brings about sorrow; and sorrow brings about the desire to undo that thing which caused it in the first place.  I have a lot of that - guilt.  I look at my life and wonder how on Earth I got to the place I am in now.  Certainly I should not be here and not because the here is bad, but that the here actually has a lot of good.  I know, sounds strange doesn't it?  That's the thing, I don't deserve any of this.  Yet, despite what I deserve I have so much more; truly so much to be thankful for. ...

I have written about trust a few times before.  As most of you know, or at least those who have followed this blog for some time can attest, I have trust issues; deep, wide, insurmountable trust issues.  I grew up learning that the only person I could count on was myself.  It wasn't that there weren't grown-ups in my life, because there were, but let's just say I had to grow up really, really fast and in so doing had to count on myself.  This borne my total self reliance and trust in myself alone.  Now, don't think I haven't or hadn't tried to trust another, because I have and sadly failed so many times that it reaffirmed my concept of self trust.  I won't regale you will all the tales, but most assuredly I tell you that in all cases when I began to give my heart to another, to allow them to have some sense of control (the healthy kind) over me, they let me down.  I'm not talking a gentle situation where I could quickly brush my hands off on my pa...

Have you ever had deja vu?  Or perhaps had a conversation on the same main topic a couple different times with different people and in those cases you were not the initiator of the conversation?  Well, that has been the case for me this past week, especially in the past few days. I have heard a time or two where the Lord will give you direction through other people, now I am a firm believer in it.  The topic, you ask?  Simply, loving other people.  Before you misunderstand, it isn't that mushy love that couples have, it is that general love that one should have for their fellow man. You see, and I am just going to throw this out there, I have a really hard time loving other people.  Some see this as me being mean, pretentious, arrogant, strong-willed, and any other word that describes a person who isn't soft around the edges.  However, it isn't that I don't have the capacity, it is that I simply don't trust people and loving ...